Finding Fault With Others

This is the fifth post (part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4) on how success and productivity can be stymied by emotional reactiveness.

“When one experiences truth, the madness of finding fault with others disappears.” Goenka

All sorts of problems you have with other people and situations can be examined and with a little practice you can catch yourself while the incident is taking place or at least shortly after.

I was on my way to work one morning, walking along the footpath on a busy road in an industrial area, when I noticed a vehicle approaching with its left indicator on. The driver wanted to turn into the driveway that I was just about to walk over. I stopped and waved him through.

Well, that is exactly what he did but he drove straight past without even looking at me or putting his hand up to say thank you. My immediate reaction was one of anger at his apparent rudeness.

Almost immediately I asked myself what it was about his actions that I did not like.  After a few seconds’ reflection I realized that it was his apparent unwillingness to acknowledge me that got my blood boiling.

But wait a minute, isn’t that what I have been doing to myself all these years? And to others?

I have been more than willing to note everything that I’ve done wrong and beat myself up over it, reinforcing my inadequacies, but I have never acknowledged the good things I have done.

Wow!

That poor man was an unwitting accomplice in another act of self-healing.  He may not have seen me, maybe he did deliberately ignore me, he could have been under a lot of stress or there was some other reason entirely.

Whatever it was, it belonged to him, not me.

Sometime ago a young man called Bill came to see me because he was finding it hard to cope at work. He found himself getting really irritated at a female co-worker far too often and didn’t know why. He knew it was irrational but couldn’t stop it.

Bill and I sat down together and had a look at what it was he did not like about her behaviour. The trait she displayed that he recognized as his own was selfishness. He saw that that was exactly how he had been behaving at home, refusing to help around the house and generally being uncooperative with his parents, especially his mother.

Bringing that to the light of day caused him to take stock and start to consider others as he would consider himself.

While it is very obvious that someone who takes and does not give is very selfish the converse can also be true. That is, someone who will only give and refuses to receive is also selfish.

Why is that?

Simply put, they are not allowing others to give. Denying others the opportunity to do what you love to do is not a fair exchange – is it?

Anna found herself getting slightly irritated with her mother at a family barbecue one evening. She overheard her mother putting herself down with a throwaway comment similar to “I couldn’t do that, I am not smart enough”.

Through her previous work with me she had learned how to apply the mirror. On closer inspection she found that was exactly what she had been doing to herself for a large part of her life. Yet she had not been consciously aware of it.

Until now.

Andy was at a business meeting one evening and started talking to a woman with a Scottish accent. He took a dislike to her almost immediately and withdrew from the conversation and possibly some new business. When we looked at this incident together a week or two later he was able to understand the cause of his discomfort and deal with it.

She had came across to him as being a “know it all”. On reflection, he recognised that quality in himself at times. Also, her accent and looks reminded him of an aunt he had when he was young that he disliked intensely.

Fortunately, he was able to meet with her again soon after and discuss doing business together.

As a result of our work, she no longer bothered him as he had “made the darkness conscious” and learned to be more accepting of himself.

Do any of these examples ring a bell for you? If so and you would like to delve a little deeper into your own behaviour give me a call. Initial meeting is free and without obligation.

Committed to YOUR Personal Productivity,

James is a productivity coach specializing in working with people who are procrastinators and those who want results quickly. His ability to get brilliant results with his clients is quite amazing…

“Fast Tracking YOUR SUCCESS… SuccessFULL Living!”

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